someone to hold on to

well life is interesting :)
when you think your in the down and out
it throws you lemons for you to make lemonade
its funny how it seems like you can never meed just that one
and when you find them its like theyre always away from you.
miles away.
though i think distance is just a test of pure connection and character
i think that i might be actually happy for once :)
idk we'll see :)
hehe :)

christmas alone in zacheryland

spending christmas alone for the first time.
being in a new country and a new house is very strange
though i have childhood friends here i havent seen them since like 9 ot 10
and when they came by at 2am a while ago all we did was talk.
some of them i can remember but i see great relationships yet for me to discover and develop.. :) hehe merry christmas me (alone)
thanks for the random gifts mum... and dad... (at least when i wished for quiet i got it... very quite literally)

dad (day90)

happy birthday dad!!!
and we talked on FB for the first time
was it special of was it awkward
i feel like for the first time i can say that things
will be normal.
am i stating fact or is it fiction
thats something i havent gotten an answer
so its up to the moons and stars to make the call
but if i get one then i can pretty much tell where we are
i can not navigate us cause im pretty much lost
cause nothing is certain and all of it seems like a lie

its not there its here! (day89)

so little time and yet we have so many
do we use it wisely or is it wasted
some say it isn't the delivery that makes the impact
but the thought of every word said
will it be as crushing as a bullet train
all i know is its 2am
and i seem to be awake
my thoughts have started to swirl around and i cant think straight
for a sign so obscene so unacceptable
is now planted in my brain
the only way it can go away is if we talk for a while...
not a minute cause this just cant wait...
(woke up randomly and decided to use the "internet machine" and this is what came out of me = lame)

dress rehersal? (day88)

is it needed
will i change
what will happen
and what will change
if it will then so be it
but what if nothing does
then it was all worth nothing

zachery in playland (day87)

the ups and downs
the twists and turns
roundabouts and spins
smiles and frowns
tears fears and screams
thousands of faces in so many places
i am lost
i can go anywhere i want to
but i choose to go here
will i hold back
or will i go all out
this isnt new but it is new
so many to pick in so little time
as i am visited by regrets
i make new ones
and will i regret them now
or regret the old ones
so here i go
its time for me to try this place out
its playland
you can do everything if you can
or nothing if you cant..

safe but not sound (day86)

as i am finally home i tell myself
"should i" "can i" and "i think i can"
so i go and a give it a shot
i find that life has many way of panning out
and as the course is tackled and the path paved
you find yourself in a myriad of crossings
many comings and goings and signs that remind you of many decisions made
as i made a decision today it turned out to be a wise one
as i went there in hoping and i came home yearning
for as i was a mere player when i arrived and i left a winner
noticed and recognized
even if i feel like im still under the weather the weather held up for me
and so did i
in some sense its great to be back home
but its fun to leave it all alone
for we just dont have eyes to stare and the same things
we dont have minds to see things repeatedly
so make everyday an adventure even if you cant go
cause you never know
you might discover something new something old or something that just makes you go "wow"

weather (day85)

i wake up and i feel something different
is it me or is it the weather
i feel funny and stare outside
it look like there seems to be something funny going on
i struggle and keep things together
i pull myself together and i walk on over
a foot seems like a mile
and ever step feels like im going to die
im so close but i keep falling down
i feel that the weather and me have coincided
for once my state is in something weird
like what it says in the weather network
i will soldier on but i just want to go home
so if the authorities allow me
then i will come home to bc where it is sunny
i need all the positive energy7 right now
even though im surrounded by a cloud of dought
so keep your head up high and soldier on little boy
cause it only takes one person to above and beyond and say
"hey im aiming for the gold"

new vigor (day 84)

something new something old
something nice has come out of me
its like a new high and im loving every bit of it
why am i so ridged can i be more coarse
i will see to it that i can set a balanced course
so today was another long one
i reached for the stars
and it grabbed me by the hand
i dreamed of the heavens
and the angels started singing to me
for i am a man with no vision for i only see one thing
it is pure in heart and true to me
something no man can ever see
its special in every way
and i hold it dear to me
so as i lay here exhausted and tired
i will wait for you into the dark
and btw the way
12:43am EST @ Toronto :)

pain (day 83)

when i do something
i see things through
i make sure i try my best
and I push it till i am done
i am disappointed
and i am hurt
but ive given it all ive got
when my body says i can go no more
i pull it aside and have a small talk
i stretch and see how far i go
and even when the pain is so sore
i still try to see things through
i struggle along cause i dont see why i should
for quitting is not in me
i want to finish
even though i know i will lose
for the true meaning of quitting is not giving it my all
so i will soldier on till i am no more
for i will live forever even though i am gone
cause i lived life to what i can push it
so i am satisfied
even though in pain
though i see the signs flash at me so vividly
like time i still go on
cause its just temporary pain and i will expire
soo lets see where this brings me
im in pain but i am not tired



(small piece i call "where")
where am i?
Im here but not there
though i am here
i am present
in the time were we live in
i am in the moment
so if you ask me where i am
i am where you want me to be
for i am anywhere you are
i am a part of you
as you are a part of me
cause we dont share dna
but we share something and its a common link
143

hello sunshine (day82)

im back and ive had fun
its time to get back to work
and work and focus on the goal
the summer maybe ending soon
but the year isnt done
for this wont die
even though the heat will go away
cause this is more than passion or heart
its a lifestyle and there's nothing more to it
the only thing i can say about it
is that ive gotten to make ties with other
and i see it for what it is and what it isnt
for my future maybe bright but at the moment dim
all we need to do is replace the bulbs or dust them off
and get our old luster back
so keep on trucking and strive harder for this will never die
as we always say "allez en courage"
cause for tomorrow is a chance for another triumph in your own way

montreal (day 81)

the city
the sounds
the signs of life
and a new town
somewthing different
but i have no time
this isnt some fun filled vacation
im running out of time
im only here for just a day
its for business and not for play
i was late so there isn't enough time i can waste
as i run through the city in a panic
i see a few glimpses of something new
a city full of life and my eyes open to it
a new vision for me
i think i can call this home
for this seems like a nice place to nestle
and to relax
but i think my heart is not it yet
for hgome is where the heart is
and my heart is where ever you may be
for i will follow you from coast to coast
as love knows no boundaries
im back and i will wait for you
whenever that may be
for cities may look the same and may differ in time
but you will forever stay the same in my heart and in my mind

(a small piece in call "tucking in"
as you go to bed and slumber
i am here and i start to wonder
what my life would be without you
ans who will i be with you
all i know when i think of this is
life is perfect not as it is
it is only perfect with someone i like
someone i hold dear and i soo care
I care about you.
so close your eyes and good night
sleep well and i will talk to you soon
143 :)

flashbacks??? (days80)

the difference of reality
i see things in a instance
and i tell myself its not real
i see my life in hours but
ive lived it in years
ive gotten a new power
im coming and going
and i never stop moving
im thrown in and out
i can nevber be at peace
i see many faces and recognize them all
they dont welcome me
they haunt me
why am i trapped in a museum of faces
in a parallel dimension of mirrors
why is my face blurred in this dark hall
as i say to myself this is just another journey
i spend it alone but i know you are there with me
so i am at ease and i will keep moving
i am always say even though i know i will always see your face
the flashback in my head can help me though the toughest of time
for you will always be there not only in my mind
but the one that you have always had
its is with you
and you should hold it dear
i know you have and will do as long as i live
i am yours forever you can say that even as you sleep

some light (day 79)

to shed some light into some one's day
is to say you re making a difference today
Ive gotten that and given it back
the day isn't over its simple as that
we can finally say the day is over
till i lay in bed and start to stray
till that time of the day happens i will see to it
that i wont wander
for time is precious and we cant say it isn't
its a shame for those who spend their days in seclusion
so share a smile or move around
the day is young and the night hasn't come
and even if the sun has tucked itself away behind the horizon
another day of promises awaits you and you and you
so don't fret and take each day in a nice pace
dont hurry cause you will put it to waste
this is what i have to say about today so far
the day is not done it just begun

as the day slides intop night
i find myself alone and nobody insight
the silence of these four walls they keep me sane
they wrap me and tell me "its ok"
for today wasnt the best of days
i kept my head high even though i fell down
all we need is to stand up and be proud
and wait for another day to try harder again

confusion(day78)

what will i do now
i am lost
confused and trapped in this world of doors
so many to run to
which one to pick
what lies beneath them
what tom pick
doubt and fear surrounds me and i am conflicted
distraught in time and derailed
for now can i get a decision
or will i i wait again
it seems like you've made an assumption by looking at air
without really getting to stare at me until i am bare
I'm not done talking yet
i just begun
so this is my peace for now
but my thoughts will be voiced out
so we will talk about this later on
to see if we can get a decision
to unlock whats in store for us in the days to follow
for we never are sure how life will pan out for us
but we make the best of it by living each day
as we see every sunshine and every dark lit sky at night
we go into wonder and say
"i think i can make this even better"

getting creative (day77)

ideas visualized
thoughts put into creations...
to brainstorm and to collaborate
think and to picture
originality and aggression
uniqueness and being particular
is it original
has it been done before
who knows
as i look into the depths of my mind
i see many things that ive left behind
there are many things i can imagine off
but i have to be more creative then before
so i have same fresh ideas
and as i try and test them
i will try to think of new ideas
even though im may not be artistic
i will give it my all
cause its not worth anything
if you dont try at all

getting to know (day76)

life is full of strange turns
when you think youve made a wrong turn
you end up going back where you came from
the world is a small place and we are all interconnected
meeting people is always great
whats in a question that makes it soo powerful
whats in an answer that shock us
is it the reality of the question
or is it the gravity of the answer
whatever it is im glad this has happened
am i being me?
should i change?
let me think...
was i?
am i?
will i?
i had...
i am...
i will...
ive always been me and nobody else

Don Luis Angelo @ 21 (day 75)

someone today turned 21
he is close to me and is like blood
im happy for him and he's earned everything in life
times spent together moments that last forever
with the distance that keeps us appart we still are close together
you are like blood and that will always be thicker than water
if you are a friend you are true to your word
soo today we celebrate you and we are all happy
youre finally 21 and theres more of life we need to see
soo when time comes we will see the world all together with the gang
and it will happen sometime soon i dont know not today
maybe tomorrow somehow :)




"happy birthday EL"

undertow (day 74)

theres something here
i can feel its presence
i dont know where it is
but i can feel its near
as i wonder what should i do
and how i can be ready
i feel a strong pull sucking me into the obis
as i fall into the endless pit
i am frozen in time
the water chocking me and leaving me breathless
i am running out of time
so as i take my last breath
and my last will
with all my might i fight for my life
i see it as a sign to keep going strong
not a sign that i should quit and move on
the sun will shine even though i die
so i must tell myself that its not my time
as i reach the bottom of what seemed to be a bottomless pit
i realize that it wasnt all that
so i tell myself if i can survive through all that
i can surely find myself in worse conditions
for i am built strong and will not die
i will not stop without a fight
in this day and age that everyone is equal
i know i can make a difference in my own small ways
even though you dont see it

love lost, relationships brought (day 73)

103 on the same day
it makes me think of you
and makes me wonder
life lost love wondered
relationships were brought
but now you are under
youve nourished us till your final days
and even though youve left you still are felt
the presence forever warm though wrapped in cold
will i ever get to meet
will we ever chat
i know you were perfect you are a part of me
in lines and veins i can draw blood
to draw the line that links the two of us
the relation soo close you need not look twice
the resemblance far in current state thats i can say
so its been years and i dont even have memory
but in stories i hear i can say you were happy
were ever you are i know youre in a great place
soo save me a seat when i see you there
i wouldnt want to miss it for anything else
so i say its not goodbye its hello there
i want to say i love you even though you are not there
so even though my day wasnt as what i expected it to be
the turn out was still great rather than not even trying
soo i will brush off the dirt and shake the pain away
for i am here cause you were there
but i would do anything for you to be there and say
"its ok"



love you grandad
Engr JSP "PEC"

late & losing (day 72)

i am alone when everyone leaves
i run to the hill to see you fly away
to see that plain go away into the distance
i am amazed of the feet i face
the light of the sky emulates me
and i am swallowed by its entity
the faces appear in front of me
and i am set off into a frenzy
for my eyes will no longer see what it wants to see
and i will no longer be forever me
to alter my state is to encompass its actual state
i am frivolous in time gone by
the pain in me as i squeeze it out
its in there deep its in the core
so to all you leaving there will be again
the terminal will be here so long my friend
there might not be a single dry eye
there will be a goodbye
its seems so simple and like it was yesterday
all the yesteryear's are behind us its our desire
so look on forward at the meadow
the field of greens and the seas so mellow
the tops of hills will no longer be a bother
you are over it and beyond all recognition
so till we meet its my pleasure to have known you
its not like i said goodbye forever
i just said "see you later"

going away (day 71)

has it been that long
when did this start
i am leaving and thats that
its not the fact that there are so many comings and goings
its the fact that soo many of us needs to do something
this is for me and i feel i deserve it
i wont deny i think i want to do this
it will be hard for i leave a life i know
but i will soldier on and see things as i go
for a brave man once traveled the world in search for nothing
and ion return came back with something
to have lived is to have tried and i say
i will die trying if i have to
if in your heart you know its true
its etched in your mind and you know that too
for a dream can get you so far in life
the journey will bring to your dream
so saddle up
buckle in and get ready for the ride
it may not be smooth sailing always
but i can manage if you are there
we may hit some rock pot holes or turbulence
minor setbacks that wont stop me
for a dream is stronger than everything else
it fuels me to strive for the best and to keep going
i will not stop i will go on
for dreams holds no bounds and can never be broken
they can be envisioned in so many other moments
time will only tell if the dream has been fulfilled
all i know is i will at least put my all
as we break the seal that the distance as put
i share a moment and get to look
all the times that i have been wrong or right
i might not say it but goodbye
bon voyage
have a safe trip and please do come back
for life will be here when you do
so don't be afraid because the future maybe unclear
be confident that things will be here
for life will continue to grow in your absence
soo get your thing pack up and go.

choice (day 70)

a palindrome
is it something special
or do we make it more of what it really is
are we what we are?
is 76—67+76=143—341+143=444
ge-or-ge
is it cause we see it that way
or is it cause we want to see it that way
is it what it is
or is it what we see it is
freedom is something we should have
or is it given
is it a privilege or a right
im blanking out
and as i enter into a labyrinth
i am blinded by light
the long cascading walls and tight corners freak me
i see a meadow and a new
a red house in the distance
i ask where am i
i try to see if i can talk to the shadows passing me
they are there but not even aware
i am in Maryland
why was i brought here
today maryland and the day before pittsburgh?
is it me or is it something else
this puzzles me
do i have a choice
is it in my hands
as i step towards the house i fall into a hole
a black whole sucking me ansd tugging me elsewhere
am i in the same place
i find myself in a white padded cell
i am alone
it is in my hands
its always been my choice

connections (day 69)

as i awake from another night
i find myself waking up into a dream
is my land dreamland
dreamland is neverand
i float into notingness
suddenly light amongst darkness
its not the sun nor a light bulb
what is it?
where does it come from
i see is a staircase
leading me to another floor
imaging the worst
i see an empty space
ohh wait
alas!
a red door in the distance
a walk way leading me to the door
i am filled with intrigue
and amazed to see what lies beneath
will i be amazed or will surprised
as i walk closer to the door i stop
take a good glance and see its "time"
opening the door my heart beats wildly
all i can see is a boy
vinc[h]enzo is his name
as i stare into his eye i am robbed of my innocence
i find myself trading places with him
the next moment i am in a rail car
on the side of a cliff
where am i?
i am in Pittsburgh
why was i brought here
where should i go
as i see the life before me in true color
i am starting to see the connection of me and this young boy
he is me and i am him
we are one but just not the same
ive gotten lost in my own mind
in time ive come to be so wrong
what happened to me now
as i walk down the road i see signs of you everywhere
is it my mind or is it just you leaving me aimless in wonder
as i walk down the streets it soaks me
i am lost
very lost
will you find me and how will i get back
where is the door im ready to get back out.

contact (day 68)

physical, emotional or mental
a dream is to wish and a wish is fantasy
there are many things to do
to gaze into someones eyes
to share a moment in time
to make things last a life time
to hold someones hand
small gestures like memories
as i float into time and space
i am transfixed in amazment
half awake and half dead
i make my way into the meadow
as i lay into the straw
i look ahead
sprawling nothingness
like a blank canvas i am caught with no response
what will i do with this
where will i go
should i step forward
or float on back
i see an oasis to my right
and to my left the ocean
they invite me
or did i invite myself
:S

mobile & put "hot" in hot springs (day 67)

as i slumber i am awake
i am aware but do not stare
i glance at the moments look at time
i see things ive seen before
and done things ive never have ever
i see houses and phones stationary or in motion
different sizes and shapes
but what i see most vividly are the houses ive been in
and grew up in... or have owned
as the day moves on my journey continues
i seize the day and see the open road.
head on out into the country side
i see you there and everywhere i go
its in a car with 143 NKA plates
or a house address...
as i pass the house i see a sign
i stop on by and get a last minute chance
i pay 50c and get myself a sticker to keep
i can say i brought harrison hot springs back with me
did i have fun?
ohh boy i did have fun :)

i dreamnt of miggy (day 66)

emotionally draining
a vivid dream
was it real
or was it just me
it felt so real
it was like i went back through time
i got to hang o9ut with you again
and then it was time
when we parted i couldnt hold it in
i just had soo much fun
i had to scream
i bursted into tears and this is what i said
"the last time we hung out was years ago"
"we had a great time just like today"
"so please dont go"
he then replied
"dont worry, i wont go anywhere"
to the full knowledge of his words i said
"ok"
i dont know what happened but i slept for 12 or so hours
i was out as a light but i knew i was dreaming
the dream felt so real in most parts or so
my old school, old classmates and even my parents.
when the day was over i was fetched like normal
in the same car i grew up with, with the same maid and driver.
i was happy to revisit the past for some random moment
it felt like i was rewriting it but i knew I couldnt
so i said in my one last breath before i decided to wake up
"goodbye miggy my best friend"
i said goodbye to his parents who were there as always
i gave them a hug turned around and walked away, got in the car
then i woke up with so much dismay
my heart was throbbing
my emotions were high
and i knew i had to write this
one things for sure i miss my bestfriend miggy
we are friends and will always be...
heres to you miggy you are the best
:)

7months part 2 "cold"(day 65)

making a big 180
the sun is up
the temperature is down
i feel the3 cool breeze hitting me
it soothes me and revives me
i feel alive
am i alive?
what makes us live
is it a choice or a curse
can i say im suffocating even though im breathing right
can i also say ive died even though im alive
all i can say today was something different
a change in weather
in spirits
and in hopes
something not 100% assuring
but something to look at and look forward to
i hope :S

7 months part 1 "hot" (day 64)

another mark to start
and no signs of relief
we train so hard but nothing to see
its up to you to see the bigger picture
its a mural of you and me by the sea
the sea that holds endless bounds
the clear waters that purify us
its just that we need water at the moment
the weather is just soo hot
with hot temperature come hot heads
and heads full of themselves
to keep up a level head is simple
i had to cool down so i met up with some people
these people i know and love
i would die for them cause they would do the same for me
i dont know if im comfortable with all of them
i know im comfortable with most
its not that the weather brings out the best or the worst in us
but sometimes its nice to let loose once in a while
soo i say why not lets have a drink or two
not to strong or too heavy as my coach will kill me
all the things that were said and done
i go bak home and realize its here
i tell myself ohh hii hello how are you
but till tomorrow i know you wouldnt have answered
its a commo thing and ive grown to accept it
ive got my life in track right now and i think
it will jsut keep getting better
so the train is set and we are taxing away
lets just say i have a co pilot with me already
she's great amazing and a perfect lady
but it would be nice to have you along for the journey
ohh well what can i say you never mess with a "perfect" thing

for Lady Emily de Michelangelo of The Louvre (day 63)

"4725 miles"
in many ways the number 4 plays a strong part in my life
the distance keeping us apart
the years we've been in touch (roughly 4years)
though so far apart
its always seemed like your were so close
where did i go right
how did i meet you
i ask myself that question sometimes
and i tell myself "thank god"
in years that have come and gone
in all the good and bad days
you were there
by my side and always listening
shared our lives
triumphs...
sorrows...
heartaches and heart breaks
the joy and tears and laughing years
its been great...
i find myself smiling
cause youre always smiling :)


"de Michelangelo"
the days pass and things change
one thing stays constant and that is you
i dont know where i would be if i didnt meet you
like art i can say that emotion is key
self expression and passion is all you need
the canvas we create can be viewed in many million ways
results are endless and they are bound by the beholder
all these i can say is you
for when i stare into the sunny bright sky
or into the darkness of the night
the only thing more constant then the passing of days and time
is that you were there by myside
is it as simple as saying youre the best
well i know it is :)


(im still drawingthe picture... soo wait for it if youre already reading this :P)
<3

3 pieces...(day 62)

so i decided to edit some stuff to make it better
i think it says a lot about what i think off in my totally random mind
i have thoughts of this now more and more
and it clouding my days more and more
idk what it means but i hope i do figure out a way
to remedy the void causing the pain


PART 1
I'm sick, you're tired
Break to love make lust I know it isn't
Cold as numbers
shake it off and dance
As though it were easy for you to lead me
I could be passive gracefully
Half the horizon's gone
a skyline of numbers
working the numbers
'till I'm sick
Sleep don't pacify us until
Daybreak sky lights up the grid we live in
Dizzy when we talk so fast
Fields of numbers streaming past
I wish we were farmers, I wish we knew how
To grow sweet potatas and milk cows
I wish we were lovers, but its for the best
Tonight your ghost will ask my ghost,
Where is the love?
Tonight your ghost will ask my ghost,
Who here is in line for a raise?
Tonight your ghost will ask my ghost,
Where is the love?
Tonight your ghost will ask my ghost,
Who put these bodies between us?






PART 2
i walk up, up the stairs here, cause i see you left the light on
hoping that I come in there and lye down by your side.
Theres a hole, down inside me, you once filled, filled me all up.
in the dark of the night, we whisper,forever,forever???
where did we go? i lost you??? i lost you...
where did we go? I needed it??? I dont
where did we go? can't go on without you
i Walk in,you're already sleeping,so you can't hear me speaking.
i bet you we're dreaming, oh do you still dream about me?
do you believe i still remember, all that we said, about surrender it to eachother like we're lovers,

forever,forever,forever...
where did we go?
i lost you
i need you
i want you
i can't live without you yeah






PART 3

Without you, there's no reason for my story
And when I'm with you I can always act the same
Forever, yeah if we're together
We can make it better
You and I
We never get to sleep we're up all day
We're overworked and under paid
We're always stuck in repeat day by day
Watching time drift away as we burn away
And when I'm with you I can always act the same
Forever, yeah if we're together
We can make it better

You and I
We've never felt so right
That just might be just what I need to get me through the nights
We're the perfect fit you've got me hooked
So then I could never ever quit
we can make it....
we can... make it!!!

cameos, shorts and phone calls (day 61)

lets give them something to talk about
and i did
to make a scene, play a part
formulate a solution
talk your way into a conversation
live the role
follow through with the part
being the character
answering the call
getting a callback
casting a part
becoming a lead
all so interesting
things falling into play
where are we now...
things i want to say cant be
improvisation
its all to sudden but you do the quick draw
a show of hands
lay them down and reveal yourself
exposed for everyone to see
here is what i can say

" "
there...
thats it...
can you see what i mean...
does that make sense...
will it ever...
will you understand???

stressed and freaked out (day 60)

one message
seeing your name
it sends me off in a whirl wind
what do i do
i feel the pull of an emotional undertow
its like i cant breathe
im drowning in muxed emotions
im clouded in complete and unexplained heartache
what is this
why cant i shake it off
well i guess i might find out pretty soon enough
20 days and counting...
yuppp

virgin festival & celebration of light (day 59)

today was a bust
rain poured down
i got wet
the festival wasnt awesome
and te celebration was ordinary
to top it all off i get this from you
reading it made my heart stop
and i started to panic
i needed a friend to talk to
so i called francois
sorry to say you still own me
you still have my heart...



"I'm here. I'm on the bus, going to sleep now. we've been having long talks in the back of the bus. let's just say I'm not in the mood to chat. sorry. goodnight."


the rain may still be here,
but it can not wash away my tears
it can not flood my emotions
and it can not take away my moments of insanity
you can love me or hate me
as long as i get closure
is all i need, the hardest thing though is
i can never let you go...

tired (day 58)

confusion...
the days fly on by faster than ever
does waking up making the day go by
not knowing what day of the week it is...
i try to keep my hands full
but i seem to be sooo (i cant even find the word to explain this)
soo i try to be more active
i jog
i hike
i bike
and i play tennis
trying to clear my head
not with the open road
but the shadows of the pine trees in the woods
the dirt surrounding me
the purity of the air
as the sun hits my face
and the rays reveal my soul
i feel like the an empty room
heating up as the sun hits the panes
as i stand the time passes i cant stop
hearing the lines, the words...

"The greatest mistake is giving up...
That true strength lies in the will to keep trying,
Keep hoping things will get better.
Keep reminding yourself that all is accomplished.
Keep everything in perspective.
Keep up the fight!
Because at the end of the day thats what youre left with the knowledge:
you did your best and you'll wake up tomorrow and try again"

signs (day 57)

why do i see them
why are they there
they seem to follow me
they remind me of you
i try to ask myself why does this happen
and i dont think its bizarre
are you trying to tell me something
or am i going mad
all i know is that today
i felt you with me
everywhere i went
and its not cause i was imagining it
cause you wrapped me with youre presence
143!!!

obladi obladah life goes on (day 56)

another summers day

random utters of memories passed
and memories concealed in time
as i quote myself today
"do not "awww" me, though thoughtful and heartfelt."
"I am I, and you are you"
"Irreplaceable not even in time"
"So I say to you: You mean more than just one summers day"

4 lines in pure emotion
all raw caught up in my heart
for all of time to heal or die

i will not forget the moments that we were
in my heart its locked up with numbers
the combination so hard to decipher
only you will know the answer
for these are yours to keep and my burden
to carry... dont be sorry i know i am ready

the music is in you, follow it (day 55)

music is everywhere
you just have to find it
its something that doesnt follow you
its in you
every second you lay or stand awake
under the sun or beneath the moon
you hear it
you feel it
the rhythm the rhyme
the sound and pitch the moves us
it cultivates us to go
what are we
in the short fragment of time
i see so many but hear so less
but when i hear the music i follow it
its soothing and its alluring
its in me
and its in you
143 mon cher

competative friendly games 5 out of 7 (day 54)

well another day
and back to business
i cant get into my whole game yet
so i gathered some people
great players...
ncaa ranked and all
i came
i saw
i conquered
it took 2 games to warm up
and took 2 losses to win 5
intense games
i had fun
but it wasnt my best
i wish the pain could go away 100%
:S

hunting with mom (day 53)

out and about
looking around
another house
another town
they look all amazing
they all have their charm
there are some that are good
and some that seem good
the view, the location
or the house...
why do women shop when they need
to clear the air
i guess thats how the cookie crumbles
its not all the same :|

july 18 hospital (day 52)

today wasnt any different
im tired
sleep deprived
annoyed, smelly, sticky and in pain
why is the hospital sooo F'd up
why do we pay people to talk but who are supposed
to take care of us
its dumb really
its lack of concern
ive been here for more than a day and ive seen a
bunch of the worlds highly paid bums, Aholes and
B*tches... soo yeah :|
hopefully i can get out of here as soon as i can
before i grow any older or before i die :|

17 x 3 = (day 51)

today is a great day, i feel good about today
lost 2 but got taken off to the hospital on the third
anxiety and stress...
as i said if it happens it happens
i guess it chose today of all days
i feel soo alone and feel like im dying
the pain in me is growing and i cant stop it
as i get shots of morphine my body fights the numbness
i feel each blow, each painful crunch, each agonizing minute
all i could tell myself is if its meant to be then so shall be it
i guess i need to rest i will be here for a while
this is me in the H
peace out...

into the 16th (day 50)

got to the next round barely winning again
the competition is really gettting tougher and tougher
whoever wins basically has nerves of steal and
atm mine are reaching their breaking point
ive got a lot on my plate and it seems like im going
to crash one day or another
it sucks cause i have nobody to let all my thoughts out
u have her but she isnt there
i have him but he isnt available
ohh well whatever happens happens...

in when your out (day 49)

i woke up today without a plan
to hear those word through the phone mae me jump for joy
i was in and needed to get ready.
i knew that this was my second chance to prove to myself i was made for this
this is the day unlike any other
run
fight
victory
victorious
as i walk back to rest
i think of you and you then message me
the second i think of messaging you
at sync
and always on time
you are me
and i am you
wish each other luck
and head our different ways again
its what we have to do
time will only tell
i go home and rest soundly knowing you are there
you were always there 143 mon ami

so long (day 48)

2 out of 3
thats what i had today...
it was a valliant effort. and i can say i did my all
i tried and failed to suceed
i went the distance and i fell short
i guess i can just try harder the next time
time ti pick things up
pack up
gohome and keep practicing
:P

down but not out but in (day 47)

another long day, another day through the next round.
what will i do to succeed.
an injury happend and i jut stood there
does the greed of wanting to win shadow my humanity
where was my soul when i needed it
i won
not by finishing a game
was i proud of it
maybe i was.
i guess im proud at the fact that i wasnt the first between
2 players to get an injury.
the rules of nature is simple survival of the fitest
i guess i was the stronger one
:s

you were missed (day 46)

its a normal day like any other
is there something new in the air or is there someone else out there
i turn to to see who calls me
a glance, i stare and see that same old smile.
the rush of mixed feelings i dont think i cant explain
were you missed?
i think i can say i may have not but in the moment i saw you
it hit me like a bus and emotions fueled my hunger
once the movelty runs out
maybe i can say you werent missed
the novelty will run out i give it a day not longer than a week.
:P

stanely park (day 45)

i won 3 for 3 in 11 :P
im soo tired i gave it my all
and i have to give it again tomorrow
hope i dont run out of legs
or lungs :P
i need to head you but i just want to tell you
thank you
i know you believe in me and i believe in you too
143 8?

mini tournament (day 44)

i won today :) feels so good, i had a chance to reflect on something
here it is its a segment only and i love it to bits...


Demon or bird! (said the boy's soul,)
Is it indeed toward your mate you sing? or is it really to me?
For I, that was a child, my tongue's use sleeping, now I have heard you,
Now in a moment I know what I am for, I awake,
And already a thousand singers, a thousand songs, clearer, louder
and more sorrowful than yours,
A thousand warbling echoes have started to life within me, never to die.

O you singer solitary, singing by yourself, projecting me,
O solitary me listening, never more shall I cease perpetuating you,
Never more shall I escape, never more the reverberations,
Never more the cries of unsatisfied love be absent from me,
Never again leave me to be the peaceful child I was before what
there in the night,
By the sea under the yellow and sagging moon,
The messenger there arous'd, the fire, the sweet hell within,
The unknown want, the destiny of me.

the numbers 1, 4 & 3 (day 43)

everywhere i look i see these numbers
in rapid succession and in the same order
why is it that i see you everywhere
i cant deny it i love you where ever
my tournament is coming up
and i cant help but wonder
yours is also next in line and i want
to wish you all the best
i miss the times we could talk with out end
i guess thats not happening
not now...
but maybe then



143 - 8???

12:34:56 7/8/9 (day 42)

today was boring the rain came and washed my thoughts away
i had a call and i guess i took a walk
talking to people makes me feel alive
and walking just seems soo nice
the weather was better and i just wanted to go for a chat
but i guess i didnt cause we went out
i want to play so bad i guess i cant
cause its still raining

its raining (day 41)

the time to revies it here
the opportunity presents itself
i wish i wish
i wish we could be
there are things that i can
and can not do
there are things that you can and can not do
i wish i couls be like the rain
to wash away the pain
to clense you of your misery
why cant you see im here for you
why cant you see that is all i will do
for i am here
you are there
i may not be near
but i will always be here

formally announcing my return (day 40)

today ive decided
i made my choice and im sticking to it
i wont back out this time and i know
that this is for real
i miss it
its in me
and i know that it will always haunt me
welcome back to my life
i know you were there
you never left me
its something i cant deny
its a part of me
i will try to be the best
like i always dooo
i love you with all my heart
debate!!!
i love you!!!

the return of the great (day 39)

to be great is to think you are one
to ve great is to try and achieve greatness
i witnessed greatness today
i applaud you for it
i beleive that i can be great
and i will be
i know i am but i can be better

4th of july (day 38)

so many people speak to me in my ear
many suggestion and though about my game
should i listen or should i shut them out
why does it seem like the world is on my back
why does it seem im all alone
i get a little glimse of you
and it seems like your so distant
why are you so distant
why does it feel so cold
so many things toying with my emotions
so many thing to think of
whyis everything feel like is falling down bricks
have i cracked or will i...
im on the verge and its soo close
hearing so many people
makes me feel so pressured
soo overwhlemed
i am overwhelmed
i am soo super stressed

the utter shame of loss (day 37)

i guess i was out played
i gave it my all but i guess the best got me off guard
i need to keep things focused and in sync
losing isnt something to be ashamed off
but i am ashamed of myself for not trying hard enough
to be a winner is to be focused
to be a winner is to stay on track
is it the pressure
no its just me
its all in me
take a breathe and pace yourself
siimple thingsbut i seem to stop doing it
im the idiot for not doing it
you need to calm down
i need to slow things down

winning by tie break (day 36)

todays training was the hardest ive ever done
i had to fight against my number one weakness
LAZINESS
i broke free from it and i feel invincible
i won today but what im looking forward to is tomorrow
ihope i win if not i guess i can try again
im aiming for the gold and i will try my best :)
hope i win :)

canada day (day 35)

i am gearing up for a game in two days
i hope i make through the next round
the fight maybe a hard one
but i will struggle
i wish my knees were strong like before
i really need to get a life
im starting to feel theres more to this
am i just losing hope in me
i hope not
i need to fight my pesimistic attitude
its not good for me or anyone who believes in me
thats if there is one :(

6 months (day 34)

raising the bar
I miss you and i think you miss me
i didnt get to do much but i need to keep things safe
im not injured but it hurts
so i have to lay low till the hurt goes away
im taking it easy but the competition is in 2 days
soo i guess we have to keeo our pace up
we got to talk
i guess we're talking now
just a little
im getting used to the idea at last
and i think i can survive
i will hold on to this
i will hold on to us

emotional (day 33)

timing is everything
today seemed to be a rough day
and but it turned out to be a great one
we finally talke but i regret not spending the time wisely
i heard your voice we got to talk
and i feel soo alive
i needed it for me idk about you
i was dead and now i am alive
i hope that we can be what we were before
im sorry for being a total buzz kill
but i jsut need you
i just dont need you
i want you
i jsut dont want you
i yern for you
but i also jsut dont yearn
i love you!!!
i cant deny it
i cant hide it
and i cant stop my heart from expressing it
i know that i do
i really
really do

ranked 24th (day 32)

im in shock
i am tired
will i cry
should i
or should i be happy
i won today
it was a good victory
to win a hard battle feels soo good
i dug deep
used all my might and aimed for victory
i hope i can keep my momentum up
it feels good but i can not rest yet
the fight has just begun

another win but still a loss (day 31)

tired and worn out
i won today
and i will have to fight again in 2 days
i want to win
ive got my eyes set
but every win there is a loss
i want to win but youre not a prize that i can just win
i need to show you that i truly love you
and i have to wait for you to say it to
i guess we all have to wait
we cant have it all
i want you
i like you
i love you
why cant i have you
please tell me

weird feelings (day 30)

today was weird
and i went above and beyond
i won and conquered but my
true victory and prize is you
i wish we could be like how we were
just being friends is really sucky
the goal is your heart and i want to reach it
and i will only be happy if you can feel it to
i will be here sitting in the sidelines
till its hits you what answer to think of

(6/26/09)

say no to losing (day 29)

i will pursue a goal till i can no more
i will lock in my sights in one thing
i am fighting an endless battle
and i know i will be victorious
if you say "you dont knwo the answer to that next question"
then i say as long as you cant find the right answer
there is hope...
i will wait, not by yur side but from a distance
and tyou always know where to reach me
soo goodbye for now
cause as you know i am terrible at goodbyes
and sooo are you :P

what the drama (day 28)

so there isnt anything more i can say about like my life
its empty at the moment, but i dont quit
not on this... this is something worth every single fiber of my life
its not the distance or the heartache
i think that i will try my best to do what i can do
so here is go...

im lost and so are you
im in love, i dont know about you
this is worth all to me
and i want you all to me
the world maybe big and scary
but you are my world and thats all i need
i need you cause you complete me
i will go and do anything for you to want me
i know this maybe desperate or needy
but i have never felt anything like this
in my life...
im sorry
i love you
i want you to be my forever...

1438???

heart broken (day 27)

sealed myself in these four walls
turned down the lights and covered all the windows
i am in complete darkness to compensate the pain
it hurts so much cause we never got this over with
i thought the wounds have healed and there could still be hope
i was telling you i will prepare cause i know its coming
but i needed proof, i needed to find out and hear it for myself
words i dread to ever say, ive said...
you ripped out my heart and you know it
i really thought you were "the one" and i was hoping it would be
ive never been in any such a stong real relationship as ours
day 27 on the 23rd of june... subtract the two and you get 4
as i said im dead and you know why...
a part of me fled and its time i should die
a part of me died today, and my smile will never come back
i dont see the light in the end of the tunnel cause ive started diggin south
if you can tell me that there is not more hope
than my hope for love is dead
cause when i met you i met true love and i know i will never...
NEVER get that back again...
ive been in many shallow relationships but this was the jackpot
everyday waking up to you was something to look forward to
tomorrow as the sun shines over my cheek i will feel like a bottomless pit
of nothingness
i am consumed by the dark and i shall shut out the light
i gave you my life and my heart
and i pormised you it would be forever...
i think that since i am a man of my word i should follow
but is this temporary or is this it
idk.... I JUST DONT KNOW...

(i will remember this day forever, the day my heart got crushed for the only person ive ever truely loved, for the only REAL relationship ive ever been on, and the only one i can consider "the one" now and forever)

[dead man walking]
now i will listen to "my angel's music"

insoF*%$incredible (day 26)

so you tell me the news
and what do you want me to do
im lost and so are you
the pain ive managed to heal
is coming back again
the wound that healed had opened again
the blood gushing from my torn skin
its flows further and further away from me
i need that to survive cause its what keeps me alive
im losing it in a rapid rate
and there isnt anything i can do about it
ive left my fate in the hands of someone else
its up to them to bring me back from the dead
my heart rate going down my breathing getting shorter
i can see a light from a distance
my fate hanging on the hands of one person
needles, knives, thread and blood...
blood, sweat and tears is what theyve given off
im flat lining now but will it be for long
my sould leaving my body faster thatn you can say "gone"
soo i put my fate into the hands of others...
and all i have to do is lay down
play dead and see what happens...

JE NE SAIS PAS!!!

its like a bandaid, just rip it off (day 25)

the weirdest things happen to me
im like a pendulum
i sway back anf forth with no control
the only control i have is that i have a beat
timing, my heart...
its complicated and you need more time
im distraught and full id disdain
why does this happen to me
does it happen to you or you or you?
who am i now, where am i without you?
are we better off or what?
the things we cant determine and cant not find out
ignorance is sometimes bliss
but bliss can be painful or sad
the knowledge of not knowing maybe sad
the knoeledge of knowing is bad
the illusion of knowledge is not that we know
its what we dont know
so we can go on
more forth and not turn back
lets just call it as it is
sometimes there are things not worth living
and well baby this is it
rip it off
peel it away
sometimes its not that it will protect you
its the things that you think protect you
that will hurt you
ive felt the pain and its something i dont need to feel
so many times in my life...
it it was worth it then maybe i may use another
if not i think i can live without you to bother

143.8 kms and plate numbers (day 24)

today we hit the road
something same and its never old
i stop to get some gas
cause my car seems low in it
i take a glance on my dash
and i see the kilometer reading
the last time i loaded gas i remember putting 20 liters,
and put the odometer in 0.0
and now it says and its not joke "143.8"
i say "are you kidding me" and i take a moment to think of you
i get up, load gas and get on the open road...
i seem to be following the same car for miles now
and hey... what do you know
the plate number tells me "143 GTM"...
a silver van can mean many things
a simple since i know means one thing
i smile and play some tunes from my iphone
and i drive along the road
as i pass each breathe taking view
how i wish you were here next to me
looking at what i could see
and hoping that someday it will be
so for now my day was exciting and filled with something new
i wish you a safe trip in all that you do
nothing is going to stop us now
not the sun, the rain or even God
for soemthing inside me knows that im not looking
but the things around me remind me im taken
soo i dont really care for what you have to say
hear me out and then you may
its been nice and fun and just words can not describe
im off to bed now im soo tired
i know you are busy and i know youre tired too
but nothing is as tired than my heart for you
je t'aime mon cher

Denny's and Dont's (day 23)

the things we do is what makes us who we are and same things for food
the things i do is something i like doing
is there something i should be doing
something better or something different
sometimes it scares me and sometimes im sure
is it that we are not certain
do we have certainty for anything
what will we do
do we buckle down and crawl into a rock
do we stay on the same road and never change lanes
Bacon and eggs, a short stack cold butter and hot maple
simple things that gives us certainty
:|
so what will we choose
what will we do
and will we always like it

:|

all i know is 143... :P
(going camping this weekend)

when the saints come marning in (day 22)

today was like all the others
wake up
survive
break something (not intentionally)
and try to attempt to sleep
and then fail
there are things that make me smile
there are things that make me sad
some of which might tell you why
and some will stay with me till i die
im happy now
its something in the air
its not that im not in love
my love is boundless now and i can no longer bare
so what are we doing
as we let time fly
its simple though that i must die
we all have to and we need not to worry
cause if i do i know you will be by my side
to hold you for eternity and never let you go
to rest in peace and say hello
the goodbyes may have been painful
but they have already faded away
its time for me
my era will begin
:)

143 still

amongst love, goodbye and fun (day 21)

the reality has bitten me
ive gotten infected
the virus runs thru me
and now my life just ended
as i layed there being brought back to life
i wondered... "why?"
the only thing that kept me was that question
and now ive realized theres more to life than wonder
so today i wondered off
enjoyed my life and saw the world
left a message
said a few lines
and see where things go from there
i know things will head where they need to go
but as ive seen this same old picture
time like before
it might be a repeat, a remake or a replay
of many good things that have come to a hault
so this i say to you
no pressure
no stress
the burden is not on you
its on what you will come to do
make it quick and choose wisely
cause once we cross that road its more likely
as of now lets hit the road
relax and enjoy the show
1438

the day to upset all days (day 20)

the feeling of being down uplifted
the sadness within is different
when you finally spoke it gave me hope
though the message wasnt that good
i knew you just had to
it seems like you were really not into it
so i guess i jsut have to say im sorry
if you cant take it then thats just it
ive spent my last few weeks in pain
and i guess its time to fly
ive never felt better in all my life
im not saying its all over babe
all im saying is its all up to you
trying to keep my mind in calm places
im at peace all i can say is:
"call me when you need me"
cause im exhausted and im going to take it easier now
ive begged, slaved and cried
weeped, worried and almost died
so so long lover
its all on you now...
au revoir 143


8??? thats up to you

leaving a message (day 19)

leaving...
its a strong message...
tell me something
anything
send me a sign
or some foreword
signs, words and numbers
all remind me of you
like 143, the time and words like fellatio and
watching highschool marching bands in formations
its weird how these things have come up in context
i miss you
and i want to be with you
please babe hear me out
leave me a message at least
before you completely leave me
1438!!!! and i mean it!

a sign
you finaly texted
at least i know youre al alright

love/rest waits for nobody (day 18)

shall i rest or should i still try
when i lost i did die
a part of me cried
and i hoped you were there to be by my side
signs everywhere point me to you
i cant get away from it and thats why i love you
i look back and read all the good and bad times
and tell myself its all not a lie
signs like "thw two of us @ 143"
or random glances at the time
where are you now and why arent we talking
i hope youre fine and ok
you know im fine cause i make the effort to tell you
i hope you do the same cause i really need you
you are a part of me now and forever
i hope yu see that more than ever
if you think i would let this die like all the others
i wont make that happen like with blaise, leighann and the others
soo please look at me and tell me if you feel anything
just tell me now and make it quick
cause you cant keep me hanging not now not ever
143 honey!!!

limp your way out (day 17)

today was a nice attempt
ive attempted to win
to reach you
to get you back
to aim for the gold
i won 2 games
and lost in the 3rd round
an injury
pain
and a lot of sound
ive called you
and ive said hello
texted you to let you know
youve said nothing
and i guess its a definite no
soo whatever we are
we are not anymore!!!
goodbye my love
please at least tell me over the phone!

testing the strings (day 16)

a swing
a swoosh
a hit and a miss
new strings
new things attached
more drama
and same drama
there are many things to look at with testing strings
different tension
more power
new balls
new things rolling
what will happen
will they go in
or come flying out
will it be successful
or will it be tragic!!!
havent heard anything from you @ all
and i have done everything possible
will you hit me up back
or will you continue to be a jock
not attached
linked snapped
and no contact point
:(

The day to wonder (day 15)

Today was something different
Got some rest
Got somethings done
Ive been all around town and back
wondering along the freeway and highways
thinking and reading the signs
seeing you in everything i see
i stop to pick the paper
the horoscope tells me the obvious
it tells me that i will be seeing you everywhere today
and that you will be in a tiresome exercise but the effort is worth it
sounds like our destiny is to the T
so what happens now
i hear nothing from you
not a sound or a peep
what are you telling me?
is this your way of saying that there isnt anythingt else we can do
so if there isnt i will still be here
you tell me what to do
for now i will just say
143!!!

june 10,2009 (day 14)

today has been a day i want to forget
but a day to celebrate a brothers birth
i lost someone and ive told them clearly
but they seem to have lost all points of reality
im left here, alone and lonesome
i said my final peace
and its all on you!
goodbye my love
i missed a day and its a sign!

initiative to or not (day 13)

will i go
should i even
if i were then what would happen
if i didnt woul you even
i didnt
and you didnt
im depressed
saddened
but not shocked at your behaviour!
ive tried my best
and seems like you didnt try at all
sorry to say im done of it all
the fire maybe there
but the flame is dying down
so this is me trying to fan the love up
as hard as i try to rekindle what we have
you so quickly want to kill
so i will say this again my love for you is real
if you want to be mr.cool and be unreal
then fine whatever move on
i will be here where you left me last
not some loser you think is fat
to say that is to judge yourself
soo goodbye
farewell
adios

about today 22:04 (day 12)

@ 10am today i learned my fate
@ 10:04 tonight i sealed it
as we spoke the song about today plays
and it goes like this:


"Today you were far away
and I didn't ask you why
What could I say
I was far away
You just walked away
and I just watched you
What could I say

How close am I to losing you

Tonight you just close your eyes
and I just watch you
slip away

How close am I to losing you

Hey, are you awake
Yeah I'm right here
Well can I ask you about today

How close am I to losing you
How close am I to losing"


so true and so sad
the words maybe sad
but i will find a way to see things through
i hope you find a way for yourself to
if you dont then there is no more hope
there is nomore me or you
goobye and goodnight
i wont see you for a while
au revoir mon cher

will they CALL it??? (day 11)

something happened
something didn't
someone reached for the stars
and someone stayed to where they are
do we just sit and relax
do we choose to move forward
will we make the right choices
or will we fail to do the ones we set out to do
did i fail to communicate
or did you fail to get the word
should i just keep waiting
or will you ever get out of your world
there are many things i cant explain
but there is one thing i thing remains constant
its that i can always read you
let me see
"I am sorry"
"i got caught up"
"i am busy"
"i have no time"
"can we reschedule"
"can we do it next time"
"i will try again some other time"
"its hard for me right now"
"i don't see it happening today"
"I'm sorry an you are right"
well this is what i have to say
get your act together and call if you really want to
don't make empty promises you wont stick to
people have lives to live as well
so when you say something
please stick to it or if not at least tell
if you do tell, tell on time, don't keep
my hopes up till there ain't no more time.
so I'm sad and deeply saddened by your excuses
don't tell me you love me cause that ain't love for me

rest assured? (day 10)

i got some sleep but did i rest well?
have you gotten any rest?
do we have time to rest???
is rest for the lazy
is it for the undetermined
where do we go on from here
i rested well but i have to jog myself
rest is for those who can afford it
does rest assure us of anything?
do we burn out of we dont rest?
all i know is today wasnt a great day for me
i lost them all
and the only thing changed was i got rest.
:(

no day is rest day... (day 9)

i cant sleep
a song that reminds me of you is great
i try to call and make you hear what i hear
but you are not there
i leave a voicemessage
but it takes to long
i have to elave early to meet up
go up a mountain and get ready
go down the maountain catch a ride
and sleep
when i get to the court im not alone
i get to play but not so well
now the day is gone and i won some
but lost a lot
i get a call for the one i love
i say hi
and they say hello
i tell them i love you
and they say i love you too
we exchange some words and some parts of our days
the smile in me keeps growing and i just want it to stay
but my rideis here and i have to go
they were sleepy so i had to let go
till another day i bid you good night
for tomorrow will come and so as the sun
1438!

turn the heat up (day 8)

the heat is up
the sun is out
i go out to play
but there is nobody there
you wake up and go out
its not all fun and games
we might still be sore
we might be a little tired
but the drive in us will surely keep us alive
sometimes when all seems down
we see a sign
and it tells us we are always in mind
143 JTM
a sign i saw today.
it reminded me of you
and i said i hope they also have a good day
so today i dedicated my hard work to you
and in return it was more than i assumed
so we sleep into the night talking for just a bit
and we wake up to the same thing
maybe for you
but how about me???

waking up to the same day (not quite) (day 7)

ingored? ignoring or ignorant?
missed, missing or miss!!!
waking up to the same tune
waking up to the same day
somethings may have changed
but still the same feelings
working hard onnevery stroke
on every step and on every point or dot
was i ignored?
did i ignore you?
or was we're we just ignorant?
I missed you reply
now im missing you
and now i constantly miss you
for the sun shines for us both
the heavens above gives us light
the only thng that brightens my days
are when i can spend jest for even a few minutes
TIME with you

143???

sore and thrist to meet goals (day 6)

are we sore
do we soar
who soars?
i slept in the serenity of your music
the calm smoothe and sometime aggressive
this is what you do and that is what i dont
we have goals and deadlines
i have mine
you have yours
I'm all stretched out
and so do you
under the heat of the sun
you rehearse as i train
under the same sun we are one
im done
and so you are
i am sore and you are more
you go to sleep and so will i
you are tired and so am i
tomorrow you wake up to do the same things
and for me i will as well
our lives has synced again

bonne nuit de miel! Dormez bien! rappelez-vous je t'aime pour toujours et à jamais!

= good night honey! sleep tight! remember i love you forever and ever


"-the music follows me everywhere, you are everywhere i go"

new era! much more life to see (day 5)

new leaf
new month
new era
new life
more choices
more roads
more decisions
confused?
baffled?
boggled?
time draws us closer
and time draws us apart
practice is what we need
and that is what we do
distance is what we have
love is what keeps us together
the laziness of getting out of bed
the tiresome exercises and drills can seem bad
but the pain whips us into shape
people watching us
people eyeing our every movement
yelling at you when you are wrong
mistakes
wrong moves
wrong desicions
to anticipate is to be ready
focus
look ahead
and concentrate
theres only one goal
and its oneway or the highway
are we distracted
is it our mental state
as i always say

"je ne sais pas?!? Ne me demandez pas!?!"

5 month weekend 2 of 2 (day 4)

intimidated
intimidation
insecure
insecurity
unsure
5 words that mean SO much
5 words that haunt me a lot
a sense for a new era
a taste of a new era
5 time champ is a goal
5 time champ is unreachable
nerves is always the problem
is it steel or is it soft
am i right for the task at hand
am i right at all
i am scared
i am vulnerable
i am weak
i see many things wrong with me
we have our faults and flaws
but in my eyes you are flawless
i wish i could be as great as you
cause you deserve more from me
i will try my best
but i can not change what god gave me
in every passing day i will use it wisely
as we hardly speak i wait in soo much anxiety
i wish i could find pills or something to keep me from breaking
life's not the same without you now
i dont think my life will ever be the same
for it was you who was the first to ever reach over the telephone line
and took my breathe and stole my heart
5 months seems like a short peroid of time
each day so memorable i can die right now
so i will see you when i see you
hopefully sooner than later
just do your best and so will i
and we will pick things up just like we always have :)

143-8


(after talking)
we might have our own opinions
what matters is what is in the heart
is whats in your heart is true and pure
there isnt anything more i can say
but as long as i have that small fear
the doubt you keep showing me
i will keep preparing for what i think is nearing
some people say (jessie) "dont think that way)
but i say "it happens to all of us"
so im glad you had fun today and we had a chance to talk
but you want to sleep and i want to die
seems fare for me to let go of you now
its going to happen as we go along
it maybe hard to let go the ones we love
but i guess it comes one day at a time
so prepare now is what i should do
cause if i dont i might just lose it
so prepare the call for 911
or have an ambulance standing by
truth be told i would not want you to
if it does i would want to go to

5th month weekend 1of2 (day 3)

practice
coordination
timing
and
passion
we spend our time apart
but we do it cause we love it
under the sun
tired
exhausted
and muscles soar
out of breathe
and a bit thirsty
i take a look and see
a dark blue 743!!!
i ask myself
"i wonder if i look at my watch would it be"
i take a look and saw 643!!!
i thought of you
and made me smile
we do the things we do
cause we love it
but i love you more
now and forever more

the after party tragedy (day 2)

card play
heavy drinking
passing out
waking up
getting a headache
checking out
setting up
checking in
replying
no answer
could you be busy
can you be free?
wide awake
extremely depressed
gone out biking
the sun hitting me
breathing the fresh air
but im soo uhmfocused
is it cause youre not there
or cause that i wont see you
10 weeks you will be gone
10 weeks
i said i will wait
ans wait i shall be doing.
je taime tojours mon cher!!!
je taime!!!

1438!!!

departing (day 1)

packing
preparing
goodbyes
as i watchi know you are leaving
can i stop it
i doubt
my mouth getting dry
my heart beating slower
the seconds tick away
and all i can do is watch sail away
i can not stop you
its not in youre will
when will i get to see you again
i love you
i love you
i love you
the last few lines i told you
for you to know it now
so you can know it well gives me som peace of mind
what happens... happens
and i do not really care
all i care is that you come back soon and safe
i will be counting then days
we havent parted yet and i already miss you
im soo sad but i know its for our own good
soo fare well
goodbye
and see you later
but please dont forget "for now"




1438!!!(as i hit publish you packed away our final way to communicate)

stuck in a rut

are we stuck
we have not gotten good
we fight
we cry
we say a due
"goodnight honey"
"goodnight my dear"
those are the word we last exchanged
as we wondered off into our dreamlands
is it you or me that we dream of
it hasnt gotten good
and we still fight
we dont see eye to eye
you are you
and i am i
conflicting personalities collide
like two gears not well aligned
we grind each other all the time
the il nowhere in sight
the mechanic not willing to fix
the only way we will ever re-align
is if a miracle were to happen
for ive tried my all
and you dont know what to do
ive given you time
but you want some more
and ive held your hand
but you want to let go
confused
unanswered
alone
i dont want to trek this path alone
for this relationship takes two to tango
you might want to warm up your dance shoes
prepare
analyze
and ponder all you want
ive made a choice
ive made my bed
paid my dues
and made amends
ive thought things through
and i know what i want
i hope you can to
cause thats all what i want

"mmkay" (17/05/09)

so far but i feel you here
laying down
lying back
resting
breathing
sleeping
do i dream of you
or do i dream of us
i dont know
i know when i stare at you
i like you
the way:
you smile
you style your hair
you role youre eyes
you smile when you like something
a simple word
and i was hooked
"mmkay"
was it the way you said it
or was it cause i didnt know it
i dont know
i just know
i like it that you always have socks on
and that your jsut the right amount of silly
so even though you seem like a world apart
you are here
close to me
event thought we are apart
or so far
the distance doesnt make a dent
Zcause you are always felt
here in my heart

flyckt (17/05/2009 6:02:40 AM)

pink lips
grey eyes
soft cheeks
the glow you have
golden hair
youre smile
that silly face
the food you choose to eat
toast!
jelly
peanut butter
garlic
all amazing
all interesting
what is it you have that make me stare
makes me want to keep staring
makes me want to stare and understand
makes me want to understand and digest
as the sun shines behind you
i feel soo lost in time
lost in youre smile
lost in youre eyes
youre cute nose
youre red ears
everything
theres somthing
and i cant get it
that feeling
its like a magnet
pulling me in
youre messy hair
your red shirt
lay down
rest youre head
and lets share a dream
a dream that we can see each other
be together
and hopefully 4(the L word) one another
143-flyckt

"hope" (17/05/2009 6:03:48 AM)

i wish our noses can rub against each other
i wish that i can rub my cheeks against yours
i wish i could hold yourehand
i wish i could touch your hair
share a drink
take a walk
talk
sing
shout
or stroll
to kiss you goodnight
to miss you
to wake up next to your face against the shining sun
to share sunsets
and to lay beneath the stars
there are a million things i would want to do with you
lets start it with "i like(love) you"

3 is a crowd

in the darkness of the night
why am i so unsure
im with you and you and you
you made me feel so happy
you made me fee so sad
tonight was just so tragic
what has happened
where are we now
do you know
will you ever?
a wise woman once said
"are we ever?!?"
so if you're not
if you are
look deep down and just dont stare
if you say that we're not meant to be
i will take it and flee
pain
sorrow
heart ache
things that were done
things that were said
lust
desire
and sex
what is it that we need
what is it that we want
tears
words
apologies
but no answers
im waiting
now till later
but when its time for my plane to go
i cant wait no longer
we all have our limits
and we all have our points
mine have been broken long ago
but im still here
and ive missed 5 flights
hoping to take one with you in the night
but there's no hope
its all gone
youve never given me an answer
and thats just so sad
im lonely
im dead
theres nothing worse that i could think off
but when i think im down and theres no hope
i see you from a distance
i see youre heavily packed
and with a smile i see you looking my way
bags in hand you come closer
but you stop and turn
its not my smile
or my tormented face you like to see
you wrap your warmth onto to someone else
i feel like im soo frozen
my heart beats slower and slower
as you pass on by
one hand holding the other
and i seem to just fall
im falling to my knees as i shout
"i love you and you known that"
you turn around and tell me
"im sorry but im just not ready"
as i fall and see the memories flash before me
i lay there wishing death would come sooner
alone
lost
and not loved
i find myself traumatized and yearning for my love
its not that ive said it once but ive said it over and over
"i will love you forever" and i meant every word
though the doctors have tried to fix me
i still am a broken man
im nothing with out you
but thats that
for love is love
its not fare and its not right nor wrong
what we do with love is our own faults
a wise man once said
"dont give me all your love, cause i may not give it back"
"dont give me all your love, cause i may not love you at all"
the words so true and they haunt me now
but youre words will forever follow me
when i am awake or in my slumber
and when i weep to the pain being soo deep
hurt
torn
and depressed
i may never be the same
for i was a noble man
is now someone dead
the only thing that will save me is you
all i need is a reason why
all i need is that before i die
im lying on the floor where you left me
and all i need is a reason
i may see you as you come and go
i will wait right here
if you ever stop to see im still here
i will be soo forever happy
so to you i say i will never be over
to you i say this love is forever
there's a chip i carry over my shoulder
its because of you
its all for you
as i lay here in the darkness
all alone
seeing time and life pass me by
you know where to find me
if you ever do want me back
i had time to think of what to say
to you i say
i meant what i said
but my head is telling me you need to flee
my heart is what i promised you
i stick to it like super glue
so i will only be the man that i once was
if we ever go back to the way thing was
so if youve made your mind this time
please tell me now
all i need to hear are those word from you
if i hear them then i know its true
"i dont love you"
and i know its true
so tell me those words
and i will stand up
move on
pick up
and carry on
so there arent any more things to say
so lets have it...
"what do you say???"

"heart aches" (01:04 May 5, 2009)

as i sit here on my bed and stare
all the this things you said maybe right
all the things you said makes me want to cry
Im thinking of shedding some tears
but is seems like tears have already come
i can not breathe and just so shocked
i try to keep an open mind
i though i was strong but i really aint
i thought when this would come i would be ready for it
but when you said those simple words
my world just came falling like the berlin wall
to say that our love will last for all time
is to say that we loved all the time
please stay with me right here and now
i know things are rough but i will be here
next to you right here right now
so if you can take me back for just this one time
i will show you another side
i will try to bring back what our love meant
i will do my greatest to keep us standing
like the great wall of china it stands to face immortality
i say to you this is my vision
and i will do everything for you
and us to stay together
happy forever
so as i sit here drenched immy own tears
the thoughts of us just makes me cry
the thoughts of us justs makes me want to die
but i will not give up hope and i will continue to try
cause i will not lets this one die!

"if i could only" (18:18 May 4, 2009)

if i could only go back
if i could change my mind
if i could think of a better answer
if i could only had made my mind
if i could think so clear
if i could make the right choice
if i could choose from left or right
if i could choose from life or death
if i could choose my life
if could go back and rewind time
if i could say no to all the yes'
if i could say yes to all the no's
if i could just run and do not come back
if i could change it all
if i could see what i see now
i would redo a few things so i dont have to go through all the pain and mysery
all the sadness you brought me
but to change the past is to change the future im happy where i am now
cause im with you.
who knows what will be if i could only
but i know that its me and you i hope so
cause im sooo lonely

"distance" (17:47 May 4, 2009)

the distance between me and you
it seems so little as we knew
we've drifted farther and farther...
and now we've drifted further and further
why is there distence between us
why is there that space
if you need room i can give you plenty
if you need space we already have many
if you dont need me anymore
then tell me quick and i'll go out the door
once im out the door will shut tight
and now the distance is no longer between us
for as long as you hold on to the key
i may just gove you one more use for it
you can choose to remove the bond shackled on your wrist
or open to door to let me in.

"19:31" (19:37 April 29, 2009)

so many things ive done to date
where are they now
will i ever get to do them again
or will i just wither away
why am i always living in this horrible state
i guess we always reminince in the what ifs
If i try to drown my feelings out
the thought of dyying just keeps coming out
where am i
what have i been doing
should i go or should i die
there isnt anything i can do now
moving forward and starting a new
so many things that i can do
what will i do?
the time is 19:31 and theres nothing i can do.
help seems to be easy as typing at msn
but surely i know youre always there
the only constant in my days
the only definition from night and day
im surely better now but just for now

"random mind" (03:37 April 29, 2009)

[i cant sleep and im feeling just so...
heres something im typing on the spot its 3:23am PST lets see how long this will take]

so many thoughts come rushing in
im all so weak and feel i should die
as lost as someone without a map or guide
what do i do who shall i ask
all alone in a cold spring's night
i lay here in the dark of night
hoping as the new day comes
in the hopes of a new and proactive day
but what will i do? what will i do.........
no other reasons and thoughts in mind
i am not ready will i ever be
as reality comes rushing like the light of dawn
breathing deeply and thinking of something to do
i can not seem to think i may not choose
as i begin to buckle down and cry
why does it seem so hard it doesnt dry
like rivers they keep on flowing without stopping
i feel like mine has died out
but not of drought.
in the rivers bed i lay the mud so hard and dry
as i begin to see people come to look at awe
i cant help but ask "why cant anyone help me"
because theyre not there
theyre in my head, all stuck in there.


[so thats just whats going on in my head atm its 3:36am PST
so i guess a good 13mins to write this on the spot hope its not to retarded]

"panic" (03:03 April 29, 2009)

fo[u]r walls they always seem to stop me
i wonder if i can ever break free
the darkness of the night sets me to wonder
the wind rushing against my face
it seems as tears has come to meet my chin
i drown my thoughs as they begin to swim
death! comes creeping close...
as i begin to go running off
i leave behind the life i lost
in search of something new to find
where is it why do i mind
the dye is cast and now am i
i think so much and see so far
running faster away from the dark
but why does it seem like im still here
have gone nowhere and just so unclear...
with heart in hand i hold it dear
i may know it now and the darkness may clear
to see the path i now might take
it makes no sense not now and not then

"composition" (02:57 April 28, 2009)

dots, lines, tones and pitches...harmony!
inspiration or inspired...
black. white and grey all so colorful and vibrant
timing, blending all seem to mix...all is in sync!
is it inspiring or was it inspired...
full pages...no words, but full of meaning
is it finished? is it done?
are we always ready to lead or to be lead?
are we proud? are we confident? or are we nervous?
is it perfect?

we are only satisfied as we can be...
I know you're ready... either way...we're always ready!
confidence is shown from the piece...
perfection is from the composer
you are perfect... you are the composer...

"blank canvas" (03:53 April 27, 2009)

a blank canvas...
why do we wonder off staring into emptiness...
is the canvas empty or is purposely filled...
thoughts... they fill me up all the time...
is my mind the blank canvas... or is it something im staring at...
starring into the darkness of the canvas
do we all stare into the same canvas,
do we get the same thoughts...
do we share the same canvas
why does the canvas make my mind wonder...
cause it makes me wonder...ohh does it make me wonder...
my canvas is not so dark nor empty no more..

"vague" (17:23 on May 4, 2009)

i am lost
i can not be found
i cant remember where i am
its not so dark
but i cant see light
i cant even hold on toanything tight
i feel like my world is spinning
but everything is still
nobody there to help and not even me
i cant hear a sound
but there is no silence
the empty space is winding and narrow
but i dont see any walls
i walking on solid ground
but i can not touch anything underneath me
i try to scream and try to yell
but i myself cant seem to hear me
where am i
and what have i become
Im really lost and i dont know where ive gone
I can hear my thoughts in my mind
but suddenly i can no longer think
I dont feel no pain or any fear
I dont even feel
I walk and walk
but get nowhere
I cry so much
but have no tears
I see a mirror suddenly
I do see a person
but its not me
so what does this mean and what will i do
I dont know now and i dont know then
so many things left hanging in the air
i can not breathe i am just soo dead!

"time" (21:53 on April 29, 2009)

when will you stop
where are you really
can you ever tell me sorry
something in you makes me sad
why cant you just stop for me
does it seem like something possible
who can ever make you stop
i dont know now but i hope it will come
what will i do from now. im going crazy just standing still
why wont you let me go back in time
why do you make me cry.
it something irreversible
like you and me creeping to the morgue
its something i want to share with you
i hope we do
someday
sometime
soon!

"alone?" (21:46 on April 29, 2009)

as i stood beneath the clear bright sky
seeing the sun just going by
now the darkness slowly creeps
i still feel nothing...
stepping into the empty room
why does it seem like its so hard to sigh
even though ive done it a million times
so many thoughts still in my mind
but they all die when im with you
what is it that makes me think
"life is perfect just me and you"
so many thoughts but they seem to all be you
where are you now...
what will i do..
i seem so lost when youre not around
i just feel like ive drowned.
a many million days and nights
i will be laying by your side
a deep connection that will never die
even though time passes by
so where are we now what will we do
lets walk away into the moon

4

in chinese belief the number 4 sybolizes death.
----------------------------------------
im dead!
inside me is empty
im a hollow shell
what was once in me is no longer there
i dont know...
Im really lost now...
LOVE???
what does it mean
is it something God gives us to make us eternally happy
or is it something he gives us to make us miserable.
I never said this before...
but im in love,
i still am
and right now im soo in love im willing to let them go.
I guess i wasnt the best person,
or the greatest one either.
all i know is what i feel in me is painful.
I feel like...im dead!!!
a rotting corpse in a coffin 6 feet under
but i still feel pain
that no other pain can ever match the pain right at this moment.
Why so we go out into the world and find that someone?
Why do we then sometimes and most often lose them?
Its not the idea of losing them or the idea that we lost them that hurts?
Im in that stage...
the part where someone doesn't know... anything!
UNCLEAR!
UNKNOWN!
IMPURE...
What if they love or if they dont???
Im broken
Shattered
A mess
as i sit here in the darkness of the room
I can not think i can not feel
but i have thought and i feel emotion.
like the pouring rain outside my window
I see myself drenched in water.
i can not stop cause the pain is deep
i just cant seem to stop it.
there are many things that makes me cry
but this one just hits the spot
I feel like there's no air and i need to breathe
the thought of jumping off a cliff seems sooo freeing
im lost..
please find me!!!
im nothing...
but i can be something!!!
i was was...
and we were were...
im not smiling...
i dont know if i can ever...
4 can mean a million things to me!
like four sides in a box i can build for you and me
we can stay in our own little world blocking others from bothering us
but 4 to me means just 2 things!!!
1 word with 4 letters
something i know deep down in me
or
4 words that means FOREVER...
cause I am yours till the end of days.
soo tell me now
and dont tell me then
if your not happy then I want you to be
there are no maybes
just yes or no's
i dont know about you
every moment spent without you
is a moment i dont exist.
so if youve moved on and i guess you have
i will cry and cry till i can no more
i will make myself a bath and soak
to wash myself to cleanse my soul.
so give back my heart if you dont need it no more
its not a toy and its not a joke.
I feel like a stranger in my own land
i feel i dont know anyone at all
Ive given you my life and thats all i care about
but i guess you cant do that anymore.
the snow has gone ans the sun is out
so i guess this is it... we leave our memories
with the washed up snow
and move on.
i dont know what im thinking right now...
all i can see and think and breathe and do
are things i did for you.
im nothing
im worthless
im not trying to get you back
for our 4 will never die
but when you decide to comeback
i'll be waiting by our favorite spot
i'll be seeing you in all the old familiar places
it will be hard and it will be agonizing
but i owe you happiness
so i cast you back into the sea
you may swim away if you want
i'll just be waiting by the dock.
so goodbye my lover
goobye my friend
its been a good run and this is the end
what we thought would be endless
has now reached its end
i dont know what to say but "the spare key is on the ledge"






"i love you forever"