5 month weekend 2 of 2 (day 4)

intimidated
intimidation
insecure
insecurity
unsure
5 words that mean SO much
5 words that haunt me a lot
a sense for a new era
a taste of a new era
5 time champ is a goal
5 time champ is unreachable
nerves is always the problem
is it steel or is it soft
am i right for the task at hand
am i right at all
i am scared
i am vulnerable
i am weak
i see many things wrong with me
we have our faults and flaws
but in my eyes you are flawless
i wish i could be as great as you
cause you deserve more from me
i will try my best
but i can not change what god gave me
in every passing day i will use it wisely
as we hardly speak i wait in soo much anxiety
i wish i could find pills or something to keep me from breaking
life's not the same without you now
i dont think my life will ever be the same
for it was you who was the first to ever reach over the telephone line
and took my breathe and stole my heart
5 months seems like a short peroid of time
each day so memorable i can die right now
so i will see you when i see you
hopefully sooner than later
just do your best and so will i
and we will pick things up just like we always have :)

143-8


(after talking)
we might have our own opinions
what matters is what is in the heart
is whats in your heart is true and pure
there isnt anything more i can say
but as long as i have that small fear
the doubt you keep showing me
i will keep preparing for what i think is nearing
some people say (jessie) "dont think that way)
but i say "it happens to all of us"
so im glad you had fun today and we had a chance to talk
but you want to sleep and i want to die
seems fare for me to let go of you now
its going to happen as we go along
it maybe hard to let go the ones we love
but i guess it comes one day at a time
so prepare now is what i should do
cause if i dont i might just lose it
so prepare the call for 911
or have an ambulance standing by
truth be told i would not want you to
if it does i would want to go to

5th month weekend 1of2 (day 3)

practice
coordination
timing
and
passion
we spend our time apart
but we do it cause we love it
under the sun
tired
exhausted
and muscles soar
out of breathe
and a bit thirsty
i take a look and see
a dark blue 743!!!
i ask myself
"i wonder if i look at my watch would it be"
i take a look and saw 643!!!
i thought of you
and made me smile
we do the things we do
cause we love it
but i love you more
now and forever more

the after party tragedy (day 2)

card play
heavy drinking
passing out
waking up
getting a headache
checking out
setting up
checking in
replying
no answer
could you be busy
can you be free?
wide awake
extremely depressed
gone out biking
the sun hitting me
breathing the fresh air
but im soo uhmfocused
is it cause youre not there
or cause that i wont see you
10 weeks you will be gone
10 weeks
i said i will wait
ans wait i shall be doing.
je taime tojours mon cher!!!
je taime!!!

1438!!!

departing (day 1)

packing
preparing
goodbyes
as i watchi know you are leaving
can i stop it
i doubt
my mouth getting dry
my heart beating slower
the seconds tick away
and all i can do is watch sail away
i can not stop you
its not in youre will
when will i get to see you again
i love you
i love you
i love you
the last few lines i told you
for you to know it now
so you can know it well gives me som peace of mind
what happens... happens
and i do not really care
all i care is that you come back soon and safe
i will be counting then days
we havent parted yet and i already miss you
im soo sad but i know its for our own good
soo fare well
goodbye
and see you later
but please dont forget "for now"




1438!!!(as i hit publish you packed away our final way to communicate)

stuck in a rut

are we stuck
we have not gotten good
we fight
we cry
we say a due
"goodnight honey"
"goodnight my dear"
those are the word we last exchanged
as we wondered off into our dreamlands
is it you or me that we dream of
it hasnt gotten good
and we still fight
we dont see eye to eye
you are you
and i am i
conflicting personalities collide
like two gears not well aligned
we grind each other all the time
the il nowhere in sight
the mechanic not willing to fix
the only way we will ever re-align
is if a miracle were to happen
for ive tried my all
and you dont know what to do
ive given you time
but you want some more
and ive held your hand
but you want to let go
confused
unanswered
alone
i dont want to trek this path alone
for this relationship takes two to tango
you might want to warm up your dance shoes
prepare
analyze
and ponder all you want
ive made a choice
ive made my bed
paid my dues
and made amends
ive thought things through
and i know what i want
i hope you can to
cause thats all what i want

"mmkay" (17/05/09)

so far but i feel you here
laying down
lying back
resting
breathing
sleeping
do i dream of you
or do i dream of us
i dont know
i know when i stare at you
i like you
the way:
you smile
you style your hair
you role youre eyes
you smile when you like something
a simple word
and i was hooked
"mmkay"
was it the way you said it
or was it cause i didnt know it
i dont know
i just know
i like it that you always have socks on
and that your jsut the right amount of silly
so even though you seem like a world apart
you are here
close to me
event thought we are apart
or so far
the distance doesnt make a dent
Zcause you are always felt
here in my heart

flyckt (17/05/2009 6:02:40 AM)

pink lips
grey eyes
soft cheeks
the glow you have
golden hair
youre smile
that silly face
the food you choose to eat
toast!
jelly
peanut butter
garlic
all amazing
all interesting
what is it you have that make me stare
makes me want to keep staring
makes me want to stare and understand
makes me want to understand and digest
as the sun shines behind you
i feel soo lost in time
lost in youre smile
lost in youre eyes
youre cute nose
youre red ears
everything
theres somthing
and i cant get it
that feeling
its like a magnet
pulling me in
youre messy hair
your red shirt
lay down
rest youre head
and lets share a dream
a dream that we can see each other
be together
and hopefully 4(the L word) one another
143-flyckt

"hope" (17/05/2009 6:03:48 AM)

i wish our noses can rub against each other
i wish that i can rub my cheeks against yours
i wish i could hold yourehand
i wish i could touch your hair
share a drink
take a walk
talk
sing
shout
or stroll
to kiss you goodnight
to miss you
to wake up next to your face against the shining sun
to share sunsets
and to lay beneath the stars
there are a million things i would want to do with you
lets start it with "i like(love) you"

3 is a crowd

in the darkness of the night
why am i so unsure
im with you and you and you
you made me feel so happy
you made me fee so sad
tonight was just so tragic
what has happened
where are we now
do you know
will you ever?
a wise woman once said
"are we ever?!?"
so if you're not
if you are
look deep down and just dont stare
if you say that we're not meant to be
i will take it and flee
pain
sorrow
heart ache
things that were done
things that were said
lust
desire
and sex
what is it that we need
what is it that we want
tears
words
apologies
but no answers
im waiting
now till later
but when its time for my plane to go
i cant wait no longer
we all have our limits
and we all have our points
mine have been broken long ago
but im still here
and ive missed 5 flights
hoping to take one with you in the night
but there's no hope
its all gone
youve never given me an answer
and thats just so sad
im lonely
im dead
theres nothing worse that i could think off
but when i think im down and theres no hope
i see you from a distance
i see youre heavily packed
and with a smile i see you looking my way
bags in hand you come closer
but you stop and turn
its not my smile
or my tormented face you like to see
you wrap your warmth onto to someone else
i feel like im soo frozen
my heart beats slower and slower
as you pass on by
one hand holding the other
and i seem to just fall
im falling to my knees as i shout
"i love you and you known that"
you turn around and tell me
"im sorry but im just not ready"
as i fall and see the memories flash before me
i lay there wishing death would come sooner
alone
lost
and not loved
i find myself traumatized and yearning for my love
its not that ive said it once but ive said it over and over
"i will love you forever" and i meant every word
though the doctors have tried to fix me
i still am a broken man
im nothing with out you
but thats that
for love is love
its not fare and its not right nor wrong
what we do with love is our own faults
a wise man once said
"dont give me all your love, cause i may not give it back"
"dont give me all your love, cause i may not love you at all"
the words so true and they haunt me now
but youre words will forever follow me
when i am awake or in my slumber
and when i weep to the pain being soo deep
hurt
torn
and depressed
i may never be the same
for i was a noble man
is now someone dead
the only thing that will save me is you
all i need is a reason why
all i need is that before i die
im lying on the floor where you left me
and all i need is a reason
i may see you as you come and go
i will wait right here
if you ever stop to see im still here
i will be soo forever happy
so to you i say i will never be over
to you i say this love is forever
there's a chip i carry over my shoulder
its because of you
its all for you
as i lay here in the darkness
all alone
seeing time and life pass me by
you know where to find me
if you ever do want me back
i had time to think of what to say
to you i say
i meant what i said
but my head is telling me you need to flee
my heart is what i promised you
i stick to it like super glue
so i will only be the man that i once was
if we ever go back to the way thing was
so if youve made your mind this time
please tell me now
all i need to hear are those word from you
if i hear them then i know its true
"i dont love you"
and i know its true
so tell me those words
and i will stand up
move on
pick up
and carry on
so there arent any more things to say
so lets have it...
"what do you say???"

"heart aches" (01:04 May 5, 2009)

as i sit here on my bed and stare
all the this things you said maybe right
all the things you said makes me want to cry
Im thinking of shedding some tears
but is seems like tears have already come
i can not breathe and just so shocked
i try to keep an open mind
i though i was strong but i really aint
i thought when this would come i would be ready for it
but when you said those simple words
my world just came falling like the berlin wall
to say that our love will last for all time
is to say that we loved all the time
please stay with me right here and now
i know things are rough but i will be here
next to you right here right now
so if you can take me back for just this one time
i will show you another side
i will try to bring back what our love meant
i will do my greatest to keep us standing
like the great wall of china it stands to face immortality
i say to you this is my vision
and i will do everything for you
and us to stay together
happy forever
so as i sit here drenched immy own tears
the thoughts of us just makes me cry
the thoughts of us justs makes me want to die
but i will not give up hope and i will continue to try
cause i will not lets this one die!

"if i could only" (18:18 May 4, 2009)

if i could only go back
if i could change my mind
if i could think of a better answer
if i could only had made my mind
if i could think so clear
if i could make the right choice
if i could choose from left or right
if i could choose from life or death
if i could choose my life
if could go back and rewind time
if i could say no to all the yes'
if i could say yes to all the no's
if i could just run and do not come back
if i could change it all
if i could see what i see now
i would redo a few things so i dont have to go through all the pain and mysery
all the sadness you brought me
but to change the past is to change the future im happy where i am now
cause im with you.
who knows what will be if i could only
but i know that its me and you i hope so
cause im sooo lonely

"distance" (17:47 May 4, 2009)

the distance between me and you
it seems so little as we knew
we've drifted farther and farther...
and now we've drifted further and further
why is there distence between us
why is there that space
if you need room i can give you plenty
if you need space we already have many
if you dont need me anymore
then tell me quick and i'll go out the door
once im out the door will shut tight
and now the distance is no longer between us
for as long as you hold on to the key
i may just gove you one more use for it
you can choose to remove the bond shackled on your wrist
or open to door to let me in.

"19:31" (19:37 April 29, 2009)

so many things ive done to date
where are they now
will i ever get to do them again
or will i just wither away
why am i always living in this horrible state
i guess we always reminince in the what ifs
If i try to drown my feelings out
the thought of dyying just keeps coming out
where am i
what have i been doing
should i go or should i die
there isnt anything i can do now
moving forward and starting a new
so many things that i can do
what will i do?
the time is 19:31 and theres nothing i can do.
help seems to be easy as typing at msn
but surely i know youre always there
the only constant in my days
the only definition from night and day
im surely better now but just for now

"random mind" (03:37 April 29, 2009)

[i cant sleep and im feeling just so...
heres something im typing on the spot its 3:23am PST lets see how long this will take]

so many thoughts come rushing in
im all so weak and feel i should die
as lost as someone without a map or guide
what do i do who shall i ask
all alone in a cold spring's night
i lay here in the dark of night
hoping as the new day comes
in the hopes of a new and proactive day
but what will i do? what will i do.........
no other reasons and thoughts in mind
i am not ready will i ever be
as reality comes rushing like the light of dawn
breathing deeply and thinking of something to do
i can not seem to think i may not choose
as i begin to buckle down and cry
why does it seem so hard it doesnt dry
like rivers they keep on flowing without stopping
i feel like mine has died out
but not of drought.
in the rivers bed i lay the mud so hard and dry
as i begin to see people come to look at awe
i cant help but ask "why cant anyone help me"
because theyre not there
theyre in my head, all stuck in there.


[so thats just whats going on in my head atm its 3:36am PST
so i guess a good 13mins to write this on the spot hope its not to retarded]

"panic" (03:03 April 29, 2009)

fo[u]r walls they always seem to stop me
i wonder if i can ever break free
the darkness of the night sets me to wonder
the wind rushing against my face
it seems as tears has come to meet my chin
i drown my thoughs as they begin to swim
death! comes creeping close...
as i begin to go running off
i leave behind the life i lost
in search of something new to find
where is it why do i mind
the dye is cast and now am i
i think so much and see so far
running faster away from the dark
but why does it seem like im still here
have gone nowhere and just so unclear...
with heart in hand i hold it dear
i may know it now and the darkness may clear
to see the path i now might take
it makes no sense not now and not then

"composition" (02:57 April 28, 2009)

dots, lines, tones and pitches...harmony!
inspiration or inspired...
black. white and grey all so colorful and vibrant
timing, blending all seem to mix...all is in sync!
is it inspiring or was it inspired...
full pages...no words, but full of meaning
is it finished? is it done?
are we always ready to lead or to be lead?
are we proud? are we confident? or are we nervous?
is it perfect?

we are only satisfied as we can be...
I know you're ready... either way...we're always ready!
confidence is shown from the piece...
perfection is from the composer
you are perfect... you are the composer...

"blank canvas" (03:53 April 27, 2009)

a blank canvas...
why do we wonder off staring into emptiness...
is the canvas empty or is purposely filled...
thoughts... they fill me up all the time...
is my mind the blank canvas... or is it something im staring at...
starring into the darkness of the canvas
do we all stare into the same canvas,
do we get the same thoughts...
do we share the same canvas
why does the canvas make my mind wonder...
cause it makes me wonder...ohh does it make me wonder...
my canvas is not so dark nor empty no more..

"vague" (17:23 on May 4, 2009)

i am lost
i can not be found
i cant remember where i am
its not so dark
but i cant see light
i cant even hold on toanything tight
i feel like my world is spinning
but everything is still
nobody there to help and not even me
i cant hear a sound
but there is no silence
the empty space is winding and narrow
but i dont see any walls
i walking on solid ground
but i can not touch anything underneath me
i try to scream and try to yell
but i myself cant seem to hear me
where am i
and what have i become
Im really lost and i dont know where ive gone
I can hear my thoughts in my mind
but suddenly i can no longer think
I dont feel no pain or any fear
I dont even feel
I walk and walk
but get nowhere
I cry so much
but have no tears
I see a mirror suddenly
I do see a person
but its not me
so what does this mean and what will i do
I dont know now and i dont know then
so many things left hanging in the air
i can not breathe i am just soo dead!

"time" (21:53 on April 29, 2009)

when will you stop
where are you really
can you ever tell me sorry
something in you makes me sad
why cant you just stop for me
does it seem like something possible
who can ever make you stop
i dont know now but i hope it will come
what will i do from now. im going crazy just standing still
why wont you let me go back in time
why do you make me cry.
it something irreversible
like you and me creeping to the morgue
its something i want to share with you
i hope we do
someday
sometime
soon!

"alone?" (21:46 on April 29, 2009)

as i stood beneath the clear bright sky
seeing the sun just going by
now the darkness slowly creeps
i still feel nothing...
stepping into the empty room
why does it seem like its so hard to sigh
even though ive done it a million times
so many thoughts still in my mind
but they all die when im with you
what is it that makes me think
"life is perfect just me and you"
so many thoughts but they seem to all be you
where are you now...
what will i do..
i seem so lost when youre not around
i just feel like ive drowned.
a many million days and nights
i will be laying by your side
a deep connection that will never die
even though time passes by
so where are we now what will we do
lets walk away into the moon

4

in chinese belief the number 4 sybolizes death.
----------------------------------------
im dead!
inside me is empty
im a hollow shell
what was once in me is no longer there
i dont know...
Im really lost now...
LOVE???
what does it mean
is it something God gives us to make us eternally happy
or is it something he gives us to make us miserable.
I never said this before...
but im in love,
i still am
and right now im soo in love im willing to let them go.
I guess i wasnt the best person,
or the greatest one either.
all i know is what i feel in me is painful.
I feel like...im dead!!!
a rotting corpse in a coffin 6 feet under
but i still feel pain
that no other pain can ever match the pain right at this moment.
Why so we go out into the world and find that someone?
Why do we then sometimes and most often lose them?
Its not the idea of losing them or the idea that we lost them that hurts?
Im in that stage...
the part where someone doesn't know... anything!
UNCLEAR!
UNKNOWN!
IMPURE...
What if they love or if they dont???
Im broken
Shattered
A mess
as i sit here in the darkness of the room
I can not think i can not feel
but i have thought and i feel emotion.
like the pouring rain outside my window
I see myself drenched in water.
i can not stop cause the pain is deep
i just cant seem to stop it.
there are many things that makes me cry
but this one just hits the spot
I feel like there's no air and i need to breathe
the thought of jumping off a cliff seems sooo freeing
im lost..
please find me!!!
im nothing...
but i can be something!!!
i was was...
and we were were...
im not smiling...
i dont know if i can ever...
4 can mean a million things to me!
like four sides in a box i can build for you and me
we can stay in our own little world blocking others from bothering us
but 4 to me means just 2 things!!!
1 word with 4 letters
something i know deep down in me
or
4 words that means FOREVER...
cause I am yours till the end of days.
soo tell me now
and dont tell me then
if your not happy then I want you to be
there are no maybes
just yes or no's
i dont know about you
every moment spent without you
is a moment i dont exist.
so if youve moved on and i guess you have
i will cry and cry till i can no more
i will make myself a bath and soak
to wash myself to cleanse my soul.
so give back my heart if you dont need it no more
its not a toy and its not a joke.
I feel like a stranger in my own land
i feel i dont know anyone at all
Ive given you my life and thats all i care about
but i guess you cant do that anymore.
the snow has gone ans the sun is out
so i guess this is it... we leave our memories
with the washed up snow
and move on.
i dont know what im thinking right now...
all i can see and think and breathe and do
are things i did for you.
im nothing
im worthless
im not trying to get you back
for our 4 will never die
but when you decide to comeback
i'll be waiting by our favorite spot
i'll be seeing you in all the old familiar places
it will be hard and it will be agonizing
but i owe you happiness
so i cast you back into the sea
you may swim away if you want
i'll just be waiting by the dock.
so goodbye my lover
goobye my friend
its been a good run and this is the end
what we thought would be endless
has now reached its end
i dont know what to say but "the spare key is on the ledge"






"i love you forever"